The Courage to Love

"Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Photo by Matea Gregg on Unsplash

“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?” - Matthew 5:44-47

Anyone who has tried explaining something complex to a young child understands how frustrating it can be. You try to dumb down your words, make the concepts accessible, but sometimes, there are some things that can’t be explained to a child no matter how hard you try; it just doesn’t compute. But as frustrating as it can be, it tells us something about children, and the things we lose as we grow older.

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I work in a psych facility for children and adolescents, and have seen all sorts of family situations. A significant number of kids here are in Department of Social Services custody. Child Protective Services is involved in many cases. Heartbreaking stories are the norm.

I was the case manager for a 10-year-old boy whom we’ll call Jacob to protect his privacy. Very early on in his life, Jacob was taken from his biological mother’s custody for abuse, neglect, and drug use. Jacob saw things when he was still in the single-digits that would wreck me even now. However, when he was taken from his bio mom, he was still old enough to remember her. Eventually, courts decided that it was too dangerous to continue to allow bio mom to resume any form of communication with him, whether that was by phone, visit, anything. All forms of contact were closed. The risk to Jacob was too great—his bio mom was a very ill person.

I remember when staff had to explain to Jacob that he could not have phone conversations with his bio mom. She was placed on his no-call list, per the court’s orders.

“But, she’s my mom,” he said. “Why can’t I talk to my mom?” He was upset about this for a while, and while he was discharged from our facility a long time ago, I still remember the look on his face. He’s likely in a new foster family now, and I pray that he’s being well cared for, but I’ll never forget how he longed for his bio mom.

How do you tell a little kid that their mother doesn’t want them?

Jacob’s situation isn’t uncommon. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard little kids defend and long for their parents, even when the parents wanted nothing to do with them, or worse. These kids didn’t understand the severity of what was done to them, too young to grasp how they were victimized. This can sometimes take years of therapy, and there’s often still a longing behind their eyes—something that says, no matter what you tell them, “But she’s my Mama.” Abusive, neglectful, even evil—but Mama’s eyes were the first they’d ever seen.

Jacob reminded me of something that I knew as a little kid, but forgot as I got older. Little children love openly, wholeheartedly, and fiercely, even if the one they love hurt them. It’s cruel and heartbreaking, but somehow beautiful.

To be clear, there’s a difference between loving someone and continuing to associate with them. I’m glad Jacob’s bio mom does not get to contact him after the evil things she did. She should not be allowed to hurt him again. And yes, there was a level of ignorance in Jacob’s young mind when he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t speak to her.

This is real and should be addressed, but I’m afraid of what often happens to too many of us who get hurt. What often happens in adolescence is, as children grow and lose their innocence, fully understanding what their parents did, if they’re not helped through it, anger and hatred has an opportunity to gain a foothold and grow in them. If it doesn’t resolve in a healthy way, it affects the rest of their lives. Criminal activity, violence, and all sorts of behaviors get traced back to this hatred, and it consumes them, carrying on the pain of what was done to them as children. And although anger is a normal, and completely justified response, it gets uglier as it grows.

Where children get it right and adults get it wrong is the response after anger—do they become consumed with hatred or love? Yes, evil is real, the pain is real, but what do we do next? Do we forgive, or do we close off?

There’s no easy response. Both are understandable, and I’ve met people who have gone down both paths. But in my experience, only one choice leads to freedom. It takes time, but choosing forgiveness and love leads to healing in a way that anger and bitterness never can.

I have met so many closed off adults who are scared to love because they’re afraid of being hurt. Isolated, in pain, and filled with anger and anxiety, they ask “But what if they hurt me?” and I get it.

But young children don’t ask that question. If a little kid loves you, they just love you. Young children are happy to let you know when they love you, and that’s that. It’s not until we get a bit older that we start asking ourselves whether it’s “worth” loving someone. It’s not until we’re older that we develop this fear of unrequited love.

For years, I carried hatred for people who hurt me maliciously in the past. Drugs, alcohol, nihilism, and bitterness were like a black fog that pervaded all my senses. It wasn’t until I drove myself into a corner that I realized that I was only hurting myself. The people who once hurt me probably forgot about me years ago, and by hanging on to my pain, I was continuing their cycle of violence without them even being involved. Though it took time and a lot of prayer, I now love them from a healthy distance, forgiving and praying for them, while acknowledging that what they did was real, and it’s a good idea to not be around them again.

Jacob taught me to love openly, with no regard for whether it’s returned. Love isn’t transactional, and it’s not a feeling; I don’t need to know how the other person feels before I choose to love them.

“He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.’” - Matthew 18:2-4.

There are so many things about little children that we point to when we think of how we need to become like them. Obedience and humility are among the best characteristics, but I’m convinced that their courage to love openly is one of the greatest. Children show us what we’ve lost, the liberation in choosing to love bravely no matter the response.

When Paul wrote about love in his first letter to the Corinthians, I sometimes wonder if he was thinking about children. I have this verse hung up on the wall next to my desk, and read it every day before starting with work, because it reminds me of little Jacob.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7